Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version
by Neptin The Sangheili
Summary: I was board so I made a screwed up version of halo. Rated M for strong language and mild sexual themes.
1. Chapter 1: The Pillar of Derp Part 1

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

_Hey guys this is Neptin The Sangheili and what I'm about to show you is another halo story I hope you enjoyed the last one. This one is a combat evolved story and it has the same story line but in a messed up way. Well I'm ready to show you how random this can be. Okay let's go. Enjoy guys! XD_

_P.S. This is not my game, Its Bungie's. I said this because some lines from the halo game are being used in this story._

**Chapter 1: The Pillar of Derp Part One**

The pillar of derp was driving away from the doomed planet of Reach.

When they made it away from Reach, Captain Keys questioned, "Cortana all I need to know is did we lose them?"

Cortana answered back, "I believe we know the answer to that"

Keys said, "Um, no I don't, tell me."

Cortana said, "You know the answer. You just won't admit it."

Keys snapped back, "Yeah, I won't and how did they…"

Cortana interrupted, "…get here first covenant ships has always been faster."

She continued, "As for tracking us all the way from Reach my light speed and my maneuvering options were limited."

Keys said, "So where do we stand."

Cortana said, "You are standing, dumbass."

Keys yelled, "That's not what I meant bitch."

Cortana said, "Our fighters our cleaning up their recon picket now nothing serious."

Keys said, "It sounds serious to me."

Cortana said in frustration, "Just shut the fuck up and listen!"

She continued, "…but I've noticed of multiple CCS Class battle groups make three capitol ships per group. In about 90 seconds they will be all over us."

Keys said, "Well that's it then, bring the ship back up to combat and alert alpha. I want everyone at their stations and that means everyone. Oh, and Cortana?"

Cortana questioned, "Hmm?"

Keys said, "Let's give our gay friends a warm welcome."

Cortana says, "I've already begun."

Then the scene changes to where all of the marines are getting ready for battle.

Cortana said over the com, "This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.

Sergeant Johnson yelled, "You heard the lady move like you got a purpose."

Then ten marines lined up on the left and right side.

Then Johnson yelled, "Okay bitches, time to kick ass and chew bubble gum if we had any. What we are going to when we get out there is to rip their heads off and shit down their necks.

Johnson paused for a moment and yelled, "AM I RIGHT MARINES!"

The marines yelled back, "SIR, YES SIR!"

Johnson said, "Uh huh, damn right I am."

Then yelled, "NOW MOVE OUT, DOUBLE TIME!"

The marines moved out while hearing Johnson saying, "All you greenhorns who wanted to see covenant up close, this is going to be your lucky day if you want to die in the process."

He started laughing after he said that.

Then the scene changes where there is a screen that's from cortana.

It says unseal the casket.

Then one of the two guys said, "Wow. Um, sir.

The other guy said, "Right let's thaw him out."

"Ok bringing low level systems online cracking the case in thirty seconds."

Then air starts coming out of the cryo machine.

The same guy continues, "He's hot like my mom blowing the pins at five.

_We'll stop here so what do you think. Please press the blue letters and if you do your mom won't get laid by me. lol_


	2. Chapter 2: The Pillar of Derp Part 2

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

_I'm back from spring break now I can continue with the story. I need to say something to you guys before I continue with the story. I'm going to make master chief talk more because he's sort of boring when he doesn't talk much. Shit, I'm talking too much now on with the story._

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 2 The Pillar of Derp Part 2<strong>

The cryo pod door opened and master chief jumped out.

Chief said, "What's the situation?"

One of the guys said, "You need to go to see the Captain."

Chief yelled, "Oh heeeeeeeeell no, I hope he won't talk about how much he wants to have sex with Cortana!"

Chief thought about it for a moment and said, "Okay, I'll go."

The other guy yelled, "Oh God their trying to get through the door!"

Then the door blew open and there was an elite shooting his plasma rifle.

Then he screams saying, "SECURITY, EHHHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHH!"

He died.

Then the guy said, "Sam, SAM! Come on we got to get the hell out of here."

Then he opens the door while chief is following him.

The guy yelled, "This way!"

They were running down the hall then the guy blew up from an explosion.

The chief said to himself, "_Shit I guess I have to do this myself._"

The chief ran and ran while the covenant kept shooting at him and the other people.

He finally made it to the bridge.

The chief said to Captain Keys, "Hi."

Keys said, "Nice to see you did I ever tell you how much I want to fuck Cortana?"

Chief said, "Yeah like a billion times. Now what's the problem?"

Keys said, "Thing aren't going well Cortana did her best but, we never really had the chance."

Then Cortana appears and says, "A dozen covenant ships against a single ship cruiser. With those odd we'll make that three or four kills."

She turns to chief and chief said to himself, "Now I want to fuck her because she's so hot."

Then Cortana said, "Sleep well."

Chief hesitates then answered, "Uh, Yeah"

Cortana answered back, "So you did miss me."

The chief said to himself again, "Hell yeah."

And continues talking to himself, "Oh my God I'm getting horny."

Then the ship shakes horribly knocking everyone down except master chief because he awesome.

Keys yelled, "REPORT!"

Cortana said, "It must have been one of their boarding parties."

Then the guy who's driving the ship yelled, "Fire for the control main cannon is offline!"

Cortana said shockingly, "Captain the cannon was our last defensive option."

Keys said, "Shit! Well, Chief get Cortana off this ship I'm tired of being horny."

Chief said confused, "Okay?" Keyes handed chief a pistol that had no ammo in it.

Then Chief left the bridge.

* * *

><p><em>Blue letters now plez<em>


	3. Chapter 3: The Pillar of Derp Part 3

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

_Hey guys I'm back. I was out for a while and I was busy memorizing the halo script. Now I'm ready to be random :3 Here we go!_

**Chapter 3 Pillar of Derp Part 3**

Chief ran out of the bridge.

He saw three grunts and he tried to shoot them with the pistol but it was empty.

Chief found an assault rifle but it was also empty.

Then Chief screamed, "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU...!"

Then Cortana interrupted, "I made a bad idea about being with you."

Then Chief yelled, "Shut up Cortana! I'm the main character here; you are just a lousy A. I. who just won't shut up."

Cortana didn't say anything else because she knows it's true.

50 minutes later.

Chief said "We finally made it."

Then Cortana shouted, "Look!"

All of the marines looked at the ring and one of the marines questioned, "What is that thing?"

The person who is driving the pod said, "Hell if I know but we are landing on it."

Then the marine screamed, "AHHHHHH WE BEEN HIT!"

Cortana said, "I knew it the Derp is moving faster to the ring, Captain Keys is going manual."

Then the person who is driving the pod yelled, "Heads up, everyone!

This is it we are entering the ring atmosphere at 5."

Cortana said, "You should take a seat."

Chief said, "Bitch please! We'll be fine."

Cortana said, "I still have fingers to keep crossed."

Then they disappeared into the ring.

_Yeah I know. It's a little short, but it's the end of the first level. I hope you enjoyed it. XD_


	4. Chapter 4: Dahalo Part 1

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 4: Dahalo Part 1**

_Hello halofans and i'm back sorta and more funny than ever :3 thanks for the reviews i'm glad you liked it now on to this chapter_

They were comin in too fast in Dahalo and then the one of the marines said to chief, "I don't wana die chief i'm too young to die."

Chief said, "How much of a bet that your going to die, I bet your all going to die and I will be left as one man and my next mission will be to rescue other marines from other pod crashes."

Then the lady whos driving the pod yelled, "WE ARE COMING IN TO FAST!"

Everyone held on and then they crashed.

Chief got out of the pod and so did the marine that said, "_I'm to young to die_."

The marine saw chief and said, "Hey i'm alive! Heh, your wrong chief I guess you have a marine sidekick now."

Then chief grabs an assult rifle and shoots him in the face and he said, "I didn't hear a thing."

The marine died.

The chief looked around and then started walking then Cortana said, "Go to those hills a covinant drop ship is approaching we'll make the covinant think that everybody died in the pod crash."

Then chief said, "Or we could just shoot them all."

Cortana said, "I guess i'm going to get this from you alot."

Then Chief answered back, "Yup and you better get used to it because your stuck with me for three more game sequals."

Cortana sighed.

_I've been busy lately so this will give you something to read while i spend time with my family :3_


	5. Chapter 5: Dahalo Part 2

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 5: Dahalo Part 2**

_before i start you need to read this...read my profile every once awhile because every month i put a random quote of the month and almost every week i change the announcements so pleeeeeeeeeeeassssseee read that also ok now lets get started_

Chief waited for the covinant to come and when they came they all died because a grunt was driving and crashed into the wall.

You could almost hear one elite yelling while falling to his death, "WOOOOORRRRRRT!"

Chief pressed a staples button and it said, "That was easy."

He went to find survivors while killing a few covinant along the way.

Then cortana said, "Their our survivors."

Johnson said, "Hey Chief hows it going my man? I also thought we were in trouble but now that your here..."

Then Chief interrupted and yelled, "FUCK YOU!"

Johnson said, "Awww don't be that way if i had a big ass turrent i'll bust your ass."

Johnson looked to the sky and saw a covinant drop ship.

Johnson yelled, "SHIT COVINANT DROP SHIPS EVERYWHERE!"

One hour later.

Chief killed the last grunt on the battlefield.

He looked around and saw that everyone died then angerly said, "Oh God dammit."

Cortana called someone to drop off a warthog then a pelican came in.

The person said who's driving the pelican, "Hello master chief this is Captian Smith i'm going to drop a worthog off for you."

Then one of the pods from the pillar of derp fell and hit the pelican.

The pelican fell out of the sky.

The worthog came loose with a marine on the back holding a turent.

The worthog landed on the ground it rolled and rolled then finally it stopped right in front of chief.

The marine was perfectly fine.

Chief said, "That works too."

_this ia a good stopping point for now so what do you think plez add to your favorites and review if you like_


	6. Chapter 6: Dahalo Part 3

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 6: Dahalo Part 3**

_hello i am linsey lohan (then everyone started screaming) lol anyway thanks for all the reviews_

Chief got in the warthog and started driving while singing badly to a song called "Living on a player".

Cortana yelled, "STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!"

Then randomly the marine died that was on the back of the warthog from chief's horrible singing.

Chief saild calmly, "alright."

Then yelled while singing, "BITCHING ON A PRAYER!"

One hour of annoyance, killing and rescueing later.

Cortana said, "I found captian keys, he's being held on a covenant cruser and..."

She paused for a moment because the name of the covenant name of the cruser had a horrible name.

Then she continued, "The false and retardination is what it is called."

Chief said with a (O_O) face, "The covenant is retarded?"

Then cortana said angerly, "This is the captian we are talking about stop being such retard and listen."

Chief didn't say anything after that.

Then randomly a pelcan dropped in front of the rocks and cortana said, "Finally we can get out of here."

She continued saying, "Alright captian smith, we need your help with a rescue mission."

Then they flew off to the sunset.

_yaaaaaaaaaay end of level 2_


	7. 7: The False and Retardination Part 1

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 7: The False and Retardination Part 1**

_herro friends back for another chapter i got something to say...THANK YOU FOR READING MY BOOKS i know their random as hell but u kept reading thank u now on with the story before i forget lmao_

Out in the canyon where the coveinant cruzer bruser is hovering in the air.

A pelican named captian smith landing near the cruzer bruser where they don't get caught.

Cortana said while they were landing, "They enemy has captured captian keys and are holding him on this cruser burser."

She paused for a moment and continued, "They are curently holding position in approximetly 300 meters above the other end of this plateau."

Then chief spoke and questioned, "Now how the hell am i supposted to get up there?"

Cortana said, "The covenant uses a gravity lift to transport troops and other stuff to the ship."

The pelican landed then while the marines and chief where getting out you randomly hear Johnson yell, "GET OUT ON THE DOUBLE!"

When chief got out he turned to Johnson and said, "I thought you died on the Dahalo level."

Johnson said nervously, "Um, I don't know what your talking about."

Then he whistles while the pelican flew off.

Chief yelled, "THAT FUCKER LIED TO ME!"

_10 minutes of killing later._

Chief found the gravity lift he said, "Alright men time to go in the cruser bruser."

He turned around and saw that all the marines have died and he sighed saying, "Oops."

Cortana called captian smith to get more marines.

When they came out of the pelican, two hunters came out of the gravity lift also.

Then one marine yelled, "WOW HOLY SHIT!"

He shot one shot at two hunters with his pistol then they died and he sighed saying, "Oh."

Then the marines with master chief went up the gravity lift.

You could hear one marines when he went up the gravity lift yelling, "YE HAW!"

_whew i thought this chapter would never end THANKS FOR READING :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDD_


	8. 8: The False and Retardination Part 2

**Halo combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 8: The False and Retardination Part 2**

_Herro and im back and thanks for being patient. If u told me u were patient i would say "good for u do i care" and u would say "yes or no". If u say yes then your retarded jk lol alright lets read_

They where inside the ship and cortana said, "We are in! I got a good lock on the captian...no covenant defences detected."

One of the marines turned to chief and said releaved, "Oh thank God."

A covenant door opened on the left side and there was an invisible elite.

Everyone execpt chief pointed their guns at the elite.

Chief walked up and said, "You know we can see you, right?"

The elite questioned shockingly, "What! You can see me?!"

Chief answered back, "Yup."

The elite replied, "But this is the covenant's newest armor."

Chief said, "Well it still needs work and making your sword glow while being invisible."

He pause for a moment and questioned, "Can I ask you something?"

The elite replied, "What?"

Chief answered, "What were you thinking?"

The elite didn't say anything after that.

Chief killed the elite and covenant came out of no where.

One marine yelled, "NO COVENANT DEFENCES DETECTED MY ASS!"


	9. 9: The False and Retardination Part 3

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 9: The False and Retardination Part 3**

_hello friends we are about to read the next chapter but i got something to say...hi lol this part is a little sexual themes in it so don't read if u don't like that kind of stuff _

_50 minutes later._

Before Chief walked in where the captian was being held, their were two elites looking at captian keys and a marine.

The elite has red armor and the other had yellow.

The marine was doing something to keys.

The yellow elite questioned, "Um do humans usually do this?"

The red elite answered back, "I don't know but, whatever their doing, it just looks wrong."

Chief came out of no where and killed the two elites.

Chief yelled, "Keys where here to save you..."

He paused for a moment and chief knew what they where doing.

Chief asked, "And who's this."

The marine interupted keys and said, "Your mommy's bitch."

Then keys said nervously, "He was trying to get a noodle out of my mouth...with his tongue."

Then the other marine answered back, "Um I don't think so his penis was more close to his tongue."

Keys snapped back, "Marine! Are saying that i'm a homosexual?!"

The marine said, "Well..."

Chief shot the marine who just had sex with keys and said, "There problem solved. Now lets get going."

They made it back to the ship room.

They went it the covenant drop ship and the marine got in the driver's seat.

The marine said confused, "I'm not familer with these controls maybe we should look for a plan B."

Then randomly keys found a liquer bottle and drank it.

He got drunk.

Keys pushed the marine out of the way and said while being drunk, "Alright men! Lets get our ass's out of here."

Chief saw two hunters and chief said, "Um sir. Watch out for the two hunters."

Keys snapped back, "I'll handle this."

Keys crashed into the wall three times without even hitting the two hunters and chief said, "Maybe we should go."

Keys replied, "I agree."

Then they flew off.


	10. Chapter 10: The Silent Asswipe

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 10: The Silent Asswipe**

_heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey ...im never writing that again...that was gay. By the way, no more parts this was supposed to have ten chapters but i was wrong so this is actually chapter 4 (level 4)...here we go_

_p.s. this might be my longest chapter_

Two pelicans were flying to an island on Dahalo and the two pelicans were called Captian Smith 1 and 2.

While they were moving cortana explained to Chief, "The Covenant believe of what they called the Silent Asswipe for some odd reason."

Chief said annoyed, "The covenant need to make better names because now their making me think they are asswipes."

Cortana agreed then said, "There are many rooms and one of them contains the map room."

Then smith said, "It's going to be hot."

They landed and smith yelled, "TOUCHDOWN HIT IT MOTHER FUCKERS!"

Chief got out and so did the other 9 marines.

They shot at the covenant.

They killed the covenant and a random pelican dropped off a worthog.

Two marines got on and so did master chief.

Then the two marines and chief drove off.

While they were driving, the two marines were shooting at covenant while chief ran over covenant like a boss.

One of the elites said before he died, "Someone's been playing Grand Theft Auto."

Chief wondered how did the elite know that we have that game.

They made it to the building.

Chief shields were already down when they got there and the two marines died.

Cortana said, "They are putting up a real fight."

Chief replied sarcasticly, "You don't say?"

Cortana said, "There is no reason to be sarcastic."

Once again chief said, "You don't say."

Cortana angerly said, "Go fuck yourself."

Chief replied in a happy way, "Gladly."

They went down to the doors and there was two grunts and one elite.

There was also another elite with a plasma sword who is standing behind the door.

Cortana yelled, "Don't let them lock the doors!"

Chief killed everyone and the door closed.

Cortana sighed and called keys.

"Cortana to Keys." she said.

Keys replied, "Go ahead cortana. Have you found the control center?"

Cortana answered back, "Nope because some stupid retard didn't make it in time."

Chief interupted, "Hey I did my best."

Keys said to chief, "I expected more from you. We are still on route to our adjective, I maybe out of contact when we get there."

He paused for a moment and continued, "Here our your orders we need to get to the control room before the covenant. Failure people is not an option."

Chief interupted...again, "Wow keys you talk alot."

Captian Smith said, "Captian smith to ground teams i'll stay on station and look out for covenant bogeys."

A marine from second squad said, "Second squad ready to roll as soon everybody is topside."

Another marine said, "Everything looks secure. Nothing moving."

Keyes replied impressively, "Good luck people. Keys out."

Then chief started looking around to turn off the power.

_20 minutes later._

Chief turned off the power.

Cortana said surprised, "Wow good job! Now lets head back to the door."

Chief was on his way out of the room that had the power switch in it.

A marine was yelling on chief's com radio and it sounded like this, "MAYDAY, MAYDAY, THIS IS DROPSHIP VICTOR TAKING ENEMY FIRE! I REPEAT WE ARE UNDER HEAVY FIRE AND ARE LOSING ALTITUDE!"

Cortana replied, "Cortana to victor, we are on our way."

Chief made it out of the room.

Cortana said, "Chief, dropship victor was bringing us some heavy weapons. I thought we could use them."

Chief sort of laughed at the dead marines for being retarded to land there because their were covenant standing there the whole time.

Chief drove the worthog to the crashed pelican while running over covenant at the same time.

He got the weapons and headed back to the bulding that lead the way to the control room.

He killed two hunters then he went inside.

He was on his way to the control room then smith said over the com, "Ground teams you have two enemy dropships coming in fast."

Then the ground team leader angerly said, "I was relaxing!"

He paused for a moment and said, "Alright team lets set the table, engage enemy forces on sight."

Cortana said, "It will be easy to hold them off from inside the structure. Can you get inside?"

The ground team leader said, "Nope these bastards are closing in."

Then he started talking chief yelling, "CHIEF YOU GOT TO FIND THE ASSWIPE. WE'LL KEEP THEM BUSY AS LONG AS WE CAN!"

Cortana said, "Give them hell marine."

Cortana said to chief, "We'll be in a tight spot if we don't get out of here. Lets find that map."

Chief said, "It sounded like you do know that the marines are going to die."

Cortana said, "Yeah they are supposted to die it said in the script."

Chief pulled out his script and said angerly, "Well that sucks."

He found the control room and activated it.

Cortana said, "The temple to dahalo's control room is located there."

When they finished looking at the map, they left.

Cortana called captian keys and waited for a moment.

Keyes didn't answer. Smith called cortana and said, "The captian has dropped out of contact. His ship maybie out of range or having equipment problems."

Cortana sighed, "Alright."

Chief was on his way out of the building while killing covenant forces along the way.

They made it to smith's pelican.

Chief got on and they started taking off.

Cortana said to smith, "Here is the spot where we are supposted to go."

Smith questioned shockingly, "Uh, stupid bitch this is underground."

Cortana said angerly, "Asshole...anyway, the covenant did a scan."

Then a door opened that was big enough to fit two tanks.

They went down and kept doing.

_FINALLY...end of level 4_


	11. Chapter 11: Shitting on the Control Room

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 11: Shitting On The Control Room**

_sup guys like i said this is chapter 5 and just to let you know if i'm going to make the halo screwed up series u need to give me some ideas of how to make it funny ok here we go_

_p.s. i got a review about someone saying that i copied a few lines from youtube...i asked those users permission and other users if i could put some of their lines on my book and they agreed so i didn't plagiarize, so there, problem solved :D_

While they were on their way to the beginning part of the level, Chief kept saying to himself, "Who's your daddy, who's your daddy?"

He paused for a moment and yelled, "I AM!"

Then he thrusted his fist at the medal in the pelican.

Chief screamed like a little girl in pain.

Cortana laughed her ass off.

Chief was upset.

At that moment a grunt was walking around and hears a weird sound.

He's starts sniffing.

A pelican came up and freaked the grunt out.

While the grunt freaked out he yelled in the process, "HOLY SHIT!"

He ran off to get back up after when he said that.

Captian smith said, "This is as far as I can go."

Cortana replied, "Rodger that. We can find our was to the control center here."

Chief jumped out of the pelican and saw covenant and the grunt that just called back up.

Chief yelled, "OH MY GOD CAN I GET A BRAKE PLEASE!"

The director randomly said, "Cut."

_5 minutes later._

The director said after everyone's break, "And action."

Then the covenant started firing at chief.

Chief killed them within two seconds.

Cortana said impressed, "Wow chief. Your getting better every level."

Chief yelled, "BITCH I'M TRYING TO CATCH MY BREATH!"

Then chief went through the door.

_L__ater._

Chief entered a room that looked like the last 20 rooms.

Chief yelled, "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE FUCK, AND I WANT BBQ CHIPS!"

Cortana said, "Hey dumbass. There's the exit right there."

Chief got angry.

When the door opened it lead to the control room.

Cortana said shockingly, "Well...that was quick."

Chief nodded impressed with himself.

Chief walked toward the control station.

He was looking around until cortana said, "Try putting me in here."

Chief put her in the terminal.

Cortana got as tall as chief...sorta.

Chief replied, "Are you alright?"

Cortana replied in a happy/curious way, "Never been better. You can't imagine the wealth of information. Oh my God it's awesome."

Chief questioned, "What sort of weapon is it?"

Cortana questioned angerly, "What are you talking about?"

Chief said calmly trying to not get mad either, "Let's stay on the subject. Dahalo. How do we use it against the covenant?"

Cortana said angerly, "This ring isn't a weapon you fuckface. It's something else, something much more greater."

She continued, "The covenant were right. It's a Forrunner. Give me a second..."

Cortana is trying to find more information while chief was just standing there not even knowing what's going on or what cortana said.

She continued...again, "Yes, the forrunner built this place in order to...no wait that can't be."

Chief questioned, "Bitch, what are you trying to say?"

Cortana answered, "The covenant found something...something scary and now their afraid."

Chief questioned being confused as ever, "Something scary Wha..."

Cortana interupted while yelling, "THE CAPTIAN! WE GOT TO STOP THE CAPTIAN!"

Chief questioned, "Um Smith or Keys."

Cortana said in frustration, "Keys, dumbass! Smith likes calling himself captian because he says he's boss."

Chief answered in relief, "Ohhhhhhhhhhh."

Cortana said, "The weapon cache he's looking for...we can't let him get inside."

Chief said confused again, "I don't understand."

Cortana yelled, "THERE IS NO TIME! FIND KEYES AND STOP HIM! BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"

Chief ran off.


	12. Chapter 12: 123 Innocent Spark Plug

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed** **Up Version**

**Chapter 12: 123 Innocent Spark Plug**

_Chapter 6...after when i made chapter 5 i thought oh god i hope i won't run out of ideas and that means the readers think i'm a retard so i looked inside myself and i found some ideas soooooooo...here we go :DDDDDDDDDDD_

It was raining in a forest somewhere on Dahalo.

Smith was coming to a stop on a very shallow lake.

They landed and chief jumped out.

When chief landed in the water smith said, "The last transmission from the captian was from this area and that was over 12 hours ago."

He paused for a moment and continued, "When you locate captian keyes, radio in and i'll come and pick you up."

Then the pelican flew off leaving chief standing there in the rain.

Luckly only his armor got wet.

Chief said to himself relieved, "_Thank God Cortana isn't here. She was a pain in the ass_."

Chief looked over to his left and noticed a pelican had crashed before he got there.

He walked over trying to find a name on the side of the pelican.

He found it on the side it read "Sexy Mama".

Chief was shocked to see that and when on.

Before he went on he heared a transmission from the crashed pelican.

He could bearly hear the person's voice untill he moved closer to the pelican.

Their was alot of static, but he managed to get a little about what he said.

He said, "This is dropship (static) Pillar of Derp (static) we are under attack by some new kind (static) victious covenant. (static) Captian Keyes has been captured by (static) there in a large structure (static) that could hold out."

Then he continued, "I'll send this message do you read me? (static) Dropship Sexy Mama clear!"

That was it.

Chief was confused so he decided to follow the path that lead to...um...somewhere while killing covenant along the way.

While chief was walking on the path he saw a weird shadow ran on a hill.

Chief shrugged it off.

He made it to the base but, he saw alot of gunfire and a few covenant running away from the base with an explosion.

Chief thought to himself, "_Uh oh. Somebody got somebody's wife pregnent again_."

Chief went inside the base without the covenant knowing he was there.

He went down the elevator.

He kept fighting and fighting...as usual.

He was about to go through a door.

Until he heard glass breaking and some sort of weird pop.

Then he heard, "STAY BACK! STAY BACK! YOUR NOT TURNING INTO ONE OF THINGS! I'LL BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

Chief walked in and shot him and said, "That was annoying."

Chief kept looking around until he found a dead marine with ALOT of blood.

He went down the to find a door with a keypad.

Chief was about to press the button.

He heard a weird sound and he turned around, but saw nothing.

He faced back to the door and pressed the button.

A fat, dead marine fell on him.

Chief said to himself, "Oh great! A fat ass landed on me."

He walked in holding on to the dead body and the door closed behind him.

Chief dropped the dead body and found a helmet.

It said "Jerkins".

He found a video chip and he put it in his helmet.

Then pressed play.

Chief started hearing slow ride music playing.

Then he threw out the chip and complained, "I hate that song."

Chief looked around to find a way out.

Then a door randomly bursted open.

The flood spores looked at him for a second.

Then they ran to chief.

Chief yelled, "HOLY PENIS!"

Then started shooting.

More spores came in all directions.

Chief...of course, killed them all.

Chief turned around and the door he came in bursted opened.

"OH GREAT MORE SPORES!" yelled chief sarcasticly.

After when the spores were gone, a combat form ran to him and hit him with his claws.

"OW!" yelled Chief.

Then shot his arm off that had the claw.

Chief said with a ^_^ face, "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! I has a new friend."

Then the flood kept following him while killing other flood instead of covenant.

_20 minutes later._

Chief was going up the elevator and he killed his buddy.

He saw more marines and one of the marines said scared, "Chief, thank God you are here. We've been lost out here for hours. After when we lost contact with the other people, we headed to um...somewhere and these...these things they ambushed us. We got to get out of here."

Smith randomly said, "There is a large tower at the end of this place. Find a way to get there and I can move in and pick you up."

_1 minute later._

They made it to the tower.

Randomly sentinals came out of nowhere and helped the marines.

Randomly Chief teleported somewhere.

He said shockingly, "WHAT THE FUCK!"

He turned around and saw a floating machine and said, "Oh hai."

"Greetings. I'm 123 Innocent Spark Plug." said Innocent Spark Plug.

Then they both teleported somewhere.

Smith yelled shockingly, "Chief I losh your signal. Where did ya go boy? Chief! CHIEF!"

_end of level 6 review please_


	13. Chapter 13: The Boring Library

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 13: The Boring Library**

_level 7 :3 we are doing well so far...so lets begin_

_P.S. this chapter is short...very short so don't get mad and if u do, YOU WILL DIE lol_

They appeared at the boring library.

Innocent Spark Plug replied, "We are at the library."

Chief questioned shockingly, "WHERE THE FUCK AM I AND HOW THE FUCK DID I GET HERE!"

Inocent Spark Plug replied in a good mood, "I already told you. We are at the library. I teleported you here."

Chief said in a D: voice, "I was powning."

Innocent Spark Plug said, "Don't worry there are plenty of bad guys."

Chief yelled with a :D face, "YAAAAAAAY!"

Randomly lots of flood came out of nowhere.

Then chief began powning...again.

He kept powning untill he made it to the index.

They made it to the index.

Innocent Spark Plug said, "You may now retreve the index."

The index popped out of its sokket.

Chief grabbed it.

Spark took it away from chief.

Chief said with an angery face, "That was mine asshole."

Innocent Spark Plug replied, "Not anymore."

Then they both teleported away back to the control room.

_Sorry for it being short_


	14. Chapter 14: Two Retards

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 14: Two Retards**

_level 8, getting great, alright people next chapter starting... ... ... ... ...(randomly someone farted) ... ... ... ... ...now_

Chief and Innocent Spark Plug teleported to the control room.

Chief was sort of shocked to see that he was back to the control room.

Innocent spark plug questioned, "Is something wrong."

Chief said shocked, "I think I just pissed my pants."

Innocent Spark plug replied, "Splended! Show we?"

Then spark went to the control pannel leaving chief just standing ther confused.

Chief forgot about it and when to the control pannel.

Spark handed the index to chief and he put it in the slot.

The pannel activated then randomly stopped.

Spark said with a confused face, "Odd that wasn't supposed to happen."

Cortana came out of nowhere and said, "Oooooooooh really?"

Then spark fell backwards.

Chief said angerly, "Hey bitch. He was trying to help us."

Cortana snapped back, "I spent the last 12 hours helping that thing get sent to slit our necks."

She continued, "Oh and I wasn't a pain in the ass I was trying to help you! You sack of shit."

Chief questioned to himself, "How did she know i said that."

Cortana answered, "Because somehow this ring allowed me to read everyone's minds."

Chief sighed, "That figures."

Spark said angerly, "A construct in the core that is absolutely unacceptable!"

Cortana yelled back, "FUCK OFF!"

Spark yelled, "I SHALL HURT YOU AT ONCE!"

Cortana questioned, "Are you sure thats a good idea?"

Spark yelled, "YOU ASSFACE GIVE BACK THE INDEX OR I'LL..."

Cortana interupted, "Do what, I have the index. You can just float and spudder."

Chief interupted the fight and said, "I think you both are annoying as hell so SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Chief turned to cortana and said, "The flood is spreading if we activate dahalo's defences, we can wipe their asses out."

Cortana explained to chief, "You have know idea how this ring works do you? Why the forrunners did it? Dahalo doesn't kill flood, it kills their food. Humans, covenant, whatever. We are all equaly able to be eaten. If you don't believe me, ask the floating dick."

Chief turned around and said, "Is it true."

Spark said impressed, "More or less. It has over one billion light years of pullse. You were with me every step of the way as we managed this crysis."

Cortana said shocked, "Chief I'm picking up movement!"

Spark continued, "Why do you hesitate to do what you already done?"

Cortana still in shock said, "We need to go right now!"

Randomly sentinals apeared behind spark.

Chief grabbed cortana out of the control pannel.

Spark threatened, "If you don't give me the construct, I will take it by force."

Cortana said scared, "Dumbass get us out of here."

Chief said to spark, "Fuck no. I am not giving cortana to you."

Spark said, "So be it. Save his head.

Dispose of the rest." Then spark teleported away leaving chief, cortana, and the sentinals to fight.

Cortana yelled, "LOOK OUT!"

Then sentinals yelled, "IMA FIRIN MA LAZER!"

Chief shot them, they died.

Chief said in relief, "That was easy."

Cortana said, "We can't let the floating fag activate dahalo. We have to stop him, we have destroy dahalo."

Cortana thought about it for a moment and said, "Acording to the available data, I believe causing a starship's fusion reactor going critical will do the job."

Chief was starting to get annoyed because cortana won't shut up.

She continued, "I'm going to search what's left of the covenant battle net to find the pillar of derp. If its still intact we can use it to destroy dahalo."

Chief snapped in an annoyed way, "Are you finished yet?!"

Cortana said in a evil grin, "Yes I am...for now."

Cortana started laughing.

Chief was getting pissed.

Chief went out of the control room and the hallway to outside.

Chief questioned to himself, "Wait a second. How am i outside when i'm supposed to be inside?"

Chief shrugged it off.

Cortana replied, "Okay we need to destroy the electromagnet pulse range."

Chief questioned, "Now how the hell am I supposed to find it?"

Cortana replied, "There are three of them and-"

Chief interupted loudly, "WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?! HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND ALL THREE?!"

Cortana replied and this time with alot of anger, "OH MY GOD! IF YOU DON'T SHUT THE FUCK UP I'M GOING TO...um...(sigh)."

Chief had a smirk on his face then said, "Exactly."

Cortana forgetting that this conflict happened said, "I'm going to help you find it."

Chief replied in a good mood, "Okay."

_50 minutes of hell later._

"Okay that is the last pulse thingy ma gingy."

Cortana said confused, "Um okay."

Chief said, "Let's get a ride to the captian."

Cortana said, "No that will take too long."

Chief replied, "You have a better idea? Which you usually do."

Cortana explained, "There is a telepotation grid that runs on this ring. I think we should do it."

Chief said, "Okay if you mess up, I will destroy your stupid chip."

Cortana said in a sort of scared way, "Okay."

Then they teleported away.

_lol review please_


	15. Chapter 15: The Homosexual Keyes

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 15: The Homosexual Keyes**

_level 9, doing fine, the reason why i called keyes a homosexual is because well a marine called him a homosexual and two captian keys sucks because he talks alot...lets get this party started_

_p.s. you need to read my announcements because one of them is important_

Cortana started talking to chief, "The covenant network is absolute chaos.

From what I heard, their leadership ordered their ships to abandon dahalo when they found the flood, but they were too late."

The scene shows that the false and retardination is badly damaged.

Cortana continued, "The flood overwhelmed the cruser bruser. The covenant are terrified that the flood will repair the ship and leave."

Cortana was shocked to see who was back on the ship.

"I found captian keyes! HE'S ALIVE! The implants are intact."

Chief questioned, "Are we done teleporting yet?"

Cortana replied, "I'm bringing you as close to the captian as I can."

Chief teleported in the ship.

He looked around and he realized he was upside down.

He fell and cortana laughed her sexy ass off.

Chief yelled, "OW BITCH!"

Chief got up and looked around some more while walking.

Captian keyes called chief on the radio and he sounded like he was in pain, "Chief...don't be a rapist...leave me."

Cortana said shocked, "Captian? CAPTIAN?!"

She sighed, "I lost him."

Chief said to cortana, "I am not a rapist and i think keys is faking that he's in pain."

Cortana said shocked, "He is in pain because i checked his vitals, and you don't care about anyone, do you?"

Chief said, "I can't believe you didn't figure that out before we landed on dahalo."

Cortana said, "I thought you were a stubbern kind of guy."

Chief got angery and said, "Dumbass."

"Fucktard." said cortana angerly.

Randomly chief wasn't looking where he was going and fell through a big hole.

Chief yelled while falling, "SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-! (splash)"

Cortana said sarcasticly, "Wow good job."

Chief got angery and said, "Shut up."

Cortana said, "Alright. Whatever. Let's find a way back aboard the ship."

_3 hours later._

They made it to the gravity lift.

Cotana said shocked, "There is the gravity lift...it's still operational!"

Chief got on and they made it back inside the cruzer bruzer.

_More hours later because the writer is too lazy to tell you what happends next._

They made it to the shuttle bay.

Chief noticed alot of elites.

He killed them with a snap of a finger.

Keyes got angery at chief and said over the radio, "I told you pull out!"

Cortana said shocked...again, "Chief we got to help keyes!"

Chief yelled, "BITCH I'M GOING AS FAST AS I CAN!"

Chief made it on the third floor.

He kept fighting until he heard keyes again yelling, "Oh yeah. OH YEAH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Cortana yelled, "CHIEF! HIS VITALS ARE FADING PLEASE CHIEF HURRY!"

Chief said confused, "Why did keyes sounded like he was fucking something?"

Cortana yelled, "NO TIME HELP HIM NOW!"

Chief got angry again and said, "I'M ALREADY HERE RETARD!"

Cortana said reliefed, "Oh."

Chief walked up and saw keyes dead in a egg sack.

Chief noticed that keyes was fucking a marine before he died.

Chief said disgusted, "Ewww."

Chief saw something on keyes face and he punched it in.

He grabbed out a chip and put it in his head.

Cortana said, "Wait. Stop. I have the code we should get moving."

They made it back to the shuttle bay.

Two banshees flew in and elites came out.

They turned to chief and started shooting at chief.

Chief ran to the banshee and drove off.

_end of level 9 yaaaaaaaaay_


	16. Chapter 16: The Mall

**Halo Combat Evolved Screwed Up Version**

**Chapter 16: The Mall**

_final level 10 and i'm calling ben...lol here we go_

The scene shows the crashed pillar of derp while the theme song called "the maw" kept playing.

Chief was getting annoyed and yelled to the random people singing, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

Then they stopped.

Chief was driving toward the ship until the banshee was starting to fell apart.

Cortana yelled, "THIS THING IS FALLING APART!"

Chief got annoyed and said, "You really need to listen to the narrator."

Cortana said shockingly, "You are not supposed to tell the readers that."

Chief crashed landed and made it to the bridge.

Chief put cortana in the pannel beside the big screen.

Cortana said in a upset kind of way, "I leave home for a few days and look what happend.

Give me a second." Chief looked up and the screen showed a countdown.

Cortana said, "There. That should put us distance between us and the ring."

Spark interupted about what's going on, "I'm afraid that's out of the question."

Cortana said angerly, "Oh hell."

Spark said, "You have an A.I. who has such a wealth of knowlage. Do you want to be captured or destroyed?"

Cortana said in relief, "It's alright. He's not really here."

Chief replied, "Good because I was going to kick his floating ass."

Chief took cortana out of the pannel and they went to the engine room to blow up the engines.

_Roughly 30 minutes later._

Chief made it to the engine room.

Cortana replied, "We made it. Now we need to destroy the engines. Press the L button to throw the granade."

Chief yelled, "BITCH THIS ISN'T A VIDEO GAME!"

Cortana replied, "Yes it is because somehow you took over someones xbox and now you control the xbox."

Chief replied, "Okay."

Then he yelled to the person who was playing the game, "TAKE THAT YOU BITCH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Chief blew up all the engines.

Cortana said, "Okay lets get the hell out of here."

Chief went to a whole bunch of doors and he found a elevator.

The elevator went up while cortana was calling captian smith, "Cortana to smith. Do you read me?"

Smith replied happly, "Rodger I read you 5 by 5."

Cortana said, "Pick us up when we make it out into the open."

Smith said, "Okay."

The elevator made it to the top.

Cortana said to chief, "We have to 5 minutes to get out of here. We need to move now! Activating countdown timer. When it reaches zero, the engines will detonate."

Chief grabbed a worthog and drove to the open.

Chief saw smith crashed and chief laughed and said, "What a moron."

Chief went on and found a fighter jet.

He got on while flood chasing him.

Thankfully he closed the hatch in time.

Then he drove off.

Then the scene changes where johnson was fighting with an elite.

Johnson turned to the derp and so did the elite.

An explosion came from the derp.

Johnson turned to the elite and said, "This is it baby. Hold me."

Then the elite grabbed johnson and touched his ass.

Johnson killed the elite and walked off.

Chief was in space when dahalo exploded.

Chief said, "Ohhhh pretty fireworks."

Cortana cheered, "Yay it's over!"

Chief said angerly, "No, I think we are just getting started ho."

He took off his helmet and cortana screamed.

"Okay, okay i'll put it back on" ,said chief.

_thanks for reading mah books and this one was the best that I made so far...ok halo 2 screwed up version is coming soon :DDDDD_


End file.
